Wipe This

Sunday, January 29, 2006
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“How soft do you need something to be that you use for five seconds a day?” said Darby Hoover of the Natural Resources Defense Council. My guess is that Miss Hoover has lived a life cold-free, allergy-free, and free of any sinus problems.

The latest crazed attack is the environmentalist lunatics insisting on the use of recycled tissue paper to blow one’s nose. Ultra-soft tissues are, in fact, a holy terror on our natural resources.

activists are asking folks to use tissues made of a high amount of recycled paper and to avoid products made by Kimberly-Clark, maker of the market-leading Kleenex brand. Activists say the company is destroying an inordinate amount of virgin timber, particularly in Canada, to make throwaway nose wipers.

Kimberly-Clark says it is adhering to industry standards followed by other leading brands such as Puffs, which are also loathed by environmentalists. The Kleenex company also notes that its personal products division was lauded recently by the Dow Jones Sustainability World Index, which measures a corporation’s financial and environmental reporting performance.

Kimberly-Clark uses some virgin wood from the Canadian forests and elsewhere for its premium Kleenex brand, but uses recycled paper products in other brands, said spokesman Dave Dickson. It does so because the wiping public wants softness that recycled tissues just can’t deliver.

Of course, Kimberly-Clark and other corporations are growing and maintaining forest land for the intent of selling a superior product for blowing one’s nose. Such growth would not exist at all were there not an end purpose for it. Instead, such land may be unused public land or a shopping mall.

This type of crazed “conservation” movement exists for the sake of hating and assailing humanity. They despise the technology advancements that allow us to escape mere survival and advance us toward the accumulation of luxuries. In the mode of Thorstein Veblen, they despise the leisure class, and especially, the middle class and its movement toward a more epicurean way of life. It’s hardly amazing that nose tissue should come under attack; after all, the same brand of lunatics are campaigning for a diaper-free baby world.

Nose tissues “with lotion” or other softening agents are a great advance in terms of granting consumers a choice of products according to what they deem most important in regards to the acquisition of satisfaction. We all value a given product based on the level of staisfaction the good will give us in terms of satisfying a given need that we deem needs to be satisfied. Economizing men judge the importance of certain goods in maintaining their well-being. So for some–especially those with nasal issues–nose tissue might rate high enough on the scale of necessary goods so that it rates a premium dollar for premium softness. This means that good ole Fort Howard commercial cardboard won’t provide the desired satisfaction.

So what the hell compels entire, organized groups of people to denounce nose blows? Sheer fucking boredom, I suppose.

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