Mass Monkey Rinse & Repeat

Friday, July 20, 2012
Posted in category Financial Markets

The financial news, along with Capitol Hill, has lots of comedy to offer up these days. Unfortunately, I have been a wee bit too busy to properly dissect it and comment here on my blog, or elsewhere. Truth is, I’ve taken almost a month off to nurse a whole host of injuries and spend a whole lot of time just chillin’ on the water during a heat wave - boat, kayak, stand up paddleboard, etc. Yes, drinking lots of beer while your ass sits in a float, while watching the global economic crisis unravel and running up your cortisol levels over the Federal Reserve’s balance sheet, sure seems a lot more productive these days than sitting at your keyboard and repeating everything you said back in 2005 when the fat ‘n happy Republicrat masses were dissing you because they all branded you as a convulsing curmudgeon.

Until I have the time to make a dump of all that has been accumulating in my brain into a Word document or my blog, I will allow my readers to revisit my advice from a 2008 article. The spirit of the advice still holds. Only the names and faces change.


26 Titillating Things to Do Instead of Watching (or Listening to) the Financial News

•   Make the environmentalists happy by getting into alternative power, and build a windmill to catch some of that financial tsunami.

•   Empty your money markets and put the cash under a fireproof mattress.

•   Set up multiple computer monitors in your home and tune each one to a Wall Street investment bank stock ticker.

•   Read Bill Gross’s columns to start planning your Keynesian dictionary.

•   Spend hours pondering the frightening thought of catastrophic deflation (lower prices).

•   Start your own credit ratings agency and build a marketing campaign called “Just Say No to Moody’s and S&P. “

•  Bet on a government bailout and buy General Motors stock.

•   Copy the Bill Gross approach and apply it to General Motors: bet on a government bailout and buy GM stock, and then use your position and influence to lobby for the bailout. If you don’t have position and influence, move to the next bullet point.

•   Check your 401k hourly.

•   Count how many times George Bush says the economy is “strong.”

•   Start a spreadsheet to keep track of every big business that is considered a “national treasure.”

•   Tell your friends, co-workers, and neighbors that a house is a “durable consumer good,” and then sit back and watch the reaction.

•   Explain to your 75-year-old mother (for the 23rd time) why you won’t be receiving “a good pension” like your dad.

•   If you are diminutive in stature, such as I am (I am 5’3”), go out for Halloween, go door-to-door in the buff with a price tag attached to your rear, and tell people you are a naked short sell.

•   I know the Christmas lights are still up, but the home equity line is gone so it’s time to take the ATM sign off the house.

•   Ok, take a peek at CNBC and listen for someone, anyone, to say the word “sell.” If you hear it, rejoice.

•   Go to nice lounges and tell people “well, my bear funds are were doing great.”

•   Explain to your 75-year-old mother (for the 37th time) why you need to invest for a secure future, and why CDs and savings accounts just don’t cut it. Simplify and repeat.

•   Take your money out of your 401k, pay the penalties and taxes, and still come out ahead. Stash the dough with your ex-money market funds underneath that fireproof mattress.

•   Go through the walk-in closet, collect all of your horrifying 1980s gold jewelry (unicorn necklaces, etc.), and look for the nearest gold dealer.

•   Start a local Objectivist club and discuss the persecution of the big banks on Wall Street. If they take you seriously, flee!

•   Be the first one to write a CliffNotes on financial derivatives.

•   Apply for a job as an entry-level mortgage loan officer or learn to flip houses.

•   Go to a mall and ask people 35-and-under to define the term “starter home.”

•   Write a letter to Bill Gross and Paul McCulley at PIMCO PIMPCO, and ask them if they’ve ever been to a Wal-Mart.

•   Build a crossword puzzle calling attention to clichéd, financial socialism-friendly terms that are regularly used by the mainstream media. Start with the following: liquidity, illiquid markets, confidence-building, financial tsunami, market fragility, systemic risk, bridge loan, liquidity provision, national interest, catastrophic deflation, subprime exposure, limited fallout, accelerating risk aversion, pumping liquidity, risk perception, financial terrorism, preemptive injection, forceful injection, master plan, commodity super cycle, off balance sheet, de-leveraging, flow of credit, financial time bomb, bear-market raid, and “velocity of short-selling.”  **

** Thanks to Steven Saville from Safehaven for four of the terms found here.

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4 Responses to Mass Monkey Rinse & Repeat

  1. DavidBrennan says:

    July 20th, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    With the exception of the drinking beer part, I sincerely believe that what you’ve done so far this summer is WAY more productive than watching TV. Physical activity, exposure to God’s beauty and Vitamin D, and generally tending to your own life are way more healthy than obsessing over things you have no control over.

    My trick to not getting angry at the Federal Reserve’s balance sheet is to simply imagine that I’m on their team and live vicariously through them. It’s kind of like people watching celebrities or athletes on these “Check Out Da Starz Homezzz!” TV shows, where they live vicariously through them? Just adopt that same mentality, and the stress converts to the glory of association.

  2. jeannie queenie says:

    July 20th, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    Wow,Karen you were right on top of this thing in 2008.
    “Take your money out of your 401k, pay the penalties and taxes, and still come out ahead. Stash the dough with your ex-money market funds underneath that fireproof mattress.” Truer words were never spoken.

    I sold off all my investment portfolio and not looking back. Anyone familiar with Ann Barnhardt, the cattle broker many Wall St guys would love to take out, (no, not on a date), but permanently out, has been screaming for folks to get the hell out of the market.

    Further, she has been naming names of individual guys who have lied, cheated and stolen client’s monies.

    cesspool of govt and Wall St have joined forces to make sure that Animal Farm is alive and well. The corrupt pigs running the farm have everyone’s 401K’s in their eyesight. But try to tell that to boomers, many of whom will not believe the worst, meaning they need to stay in their protective bubble that all will be well —-some folks must learn the hard way..I wish them well.

    Your other point here…”Be the first one to write a CliffNotes on financial derivatives.” is a gem. Only problem is that Cliff notes are short in nature, and there isn’t a person alive on the planet that can even explain derivatives. Of course, that is the point…complications come from the ego and simplicity is of the spirit. Worse, is that most those derivatives were/are sharia finance embedded in our banks/investment firms. They are inexplainable for the best of reasons…when you can’t rationalize something you dazzle them with bullsht, and basically that is what derivatives are, pure sht, no matter what your local imam tells you. Recall one Bin Bastard-Laden right after 9-11 said…’Watch america as your economy goes down the tube”,now, hmmm, interesting that he had a crystal ball that actually did portend what we have been experiencing the last few years, and worse, appears to get no where near better anytime soon. Today the horror story out of Colorado seems ominous in that the name of the film, The Dark Knight Rises, almost foretells the present scene in which we find ourselves at this point in time. The knight of course, appears to have caught the love of half the country—the liberal loons so dimwitted in their quest of nanny govt, and worse, stealing from their neighbors to carry out this vast charade of morality. With the news each day getting increasingly ugly, scary and utterly insane at times, the Colorado massacre is just the opening scene with much more red liquid to flow..think commie country folks. And you know you are in commie country when your head honcho tells you that if you have a business, the gov’t did it for you, that you are not the one who was a success or worked all that hard…which means in other words, that if you are a crack whore mom, or practice gay sex and get Aids, or if you use welfare 24/7 or live on the dole, do drugs, or anything that is totally immoral or just being a leech, all this means is that you are not responsible for that state of affairs either…you didn’t do it for the guy with the business didn’t do his business either..hence, all are equal, be you a successful businessman or a parasite that is actually a host. In essence, bummer gets it both ways..if you are productive you get no credit for gov’t gave it to you..and if you are a deadbeat or a crook or a mobster or just an everyday garden variety sociopath, you don’t get blamed for it, for you didn’t cause it. Sounds like commie country to me, no? Check out the great Krauthammer piece on the latest dimwitted tripe trickling out of DC, D stands for dickless, C for corrupt.

    Scores of terrific feedback follow that pc.

  3. W.C. Varones says:

    July 23rd, 2012 at 12:50 am

    Very pleased to read your work by way of my friend Charlie McDanger.

    Great to know there are so many great libertarians out there all across the land. I hope liberty survives the coming dollar crisis.

  4. liberranter says:

    July 23rd, 2012 at 3:08 am

    With the exception of the drinking beer part, I sincerely believe that what you’ve done so far this summer is WAY more productive than watching TV.

    I would definitely put drinking beer* in the category of “more productive than watching TV.”

    (*Real beer, that is. Nothing brewed in Golden, Colorado; St. Louis, or Milwaukee.)

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